Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

sin harder.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.