CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When I face a minor setback
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Children of the corn 🌽
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago