Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting