co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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My inexpensive home security system…
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.