@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

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@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

@dundlewood

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

@dumbbeezie

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@68Cly29

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly