Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m literally crying
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.