Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
This is not me but this is me
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Raisins are grape jerky.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!