Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave