Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Last-minute gift idea!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.