Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.