*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.