*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it