Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast