Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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Meow
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
They’re really bad with fonts.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar