Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

sir, my pâté if you please

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.