Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Respect
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Yup….perfect score!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.