Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Tony Hawk, age 6
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
House salad yeah what’s next techno fries
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.