Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.