Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.