Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

😂😂

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

sure, why not

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”