CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.