Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?