Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
one week till the election
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*