Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
You Might Also Like
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
wtf is an acronym
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away