Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

LMAO.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!