Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.