Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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Duolingo getting serious.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Basically.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them