Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
You have been warned.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?