Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

If looks could kill

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.