Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

same but as an audience member

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

My boss called in sick of me

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?