Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

The first one, obviously

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates