co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…