Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.