PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?
[Jim slowly raises his hand]
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn’t matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away
God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply
Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…
Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends
Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.
The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.