@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

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@trentistweeting

[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]

@Naggalie

I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn’t matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.

@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

@noneofyours99

Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply

@unmehlievable

Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…

Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends

@SatansTongue

The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus

@Darlainky

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.