Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
It’s the weekend y’all
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Swedish for common sense.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Rather alarming headline…
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”