Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

my mind

You just read my mind

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

My apartment is a mess, I should move

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!