Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

👍

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

😭😭

Make me look younger

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.