co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The funk soul brother
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily