I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”
*looks at you in batman voice*