@seancehat

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@Breadery

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

@michelleisawolf

George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.

@Jake_Vig

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

@VibesBummer

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

@thejessbess

People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”