Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

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