Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
nice challenge
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations