Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*