Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

No flush

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..