Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*