Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Owl Sanctuary
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?