Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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the three branches of government
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played