Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
The Weeknd is back
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The struggle is real
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying