Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

a fool and his money are hey new iphone