Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
ready to be harvested
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?