Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Sunday

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important