Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

How to make infinite energy.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here