CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Too easy.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?