Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
did it work
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Hmmmmm
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it