Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.