Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?