Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?