Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t
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Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Facebook memories be like
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Doctors texting each other.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.