Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.