Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Why is this me 😫
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*