Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
