Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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A roof is a house hat.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
technically true but not a great slogan
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.