Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Ghost costume 😂
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Made something I’m not proud of
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I love art.
