Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months