Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Why is no one talking about this?!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.