Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Peter Parker Peter Driver
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
.. do you even science?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.