Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk